I'm 36 with three children who will miss him if we part ways. It isn't a light decision. It's nauseating. But I'm not sure how much I can endure for the sake of our illusion. Do I live without sex or fool around on the side (the sex thing is my fault... he disgusts me and I can't fuck him unless I'm drunk). I gave up on the term Making Love a long time ago. He has a porn habit and the things he looks at gross me out. Girls with cum dripping off their faces? Sorry, it creeps me out.
Now I feel like I should qualify that. I'm not some uptight person. Honestly. I've never felt (nor been accused of being) uptight. I've sucked a hundred dicks and I never was sloppy enough to get my eyelashes glued to my eyebrow. Now that I'm 36, my drive has accelerated. I can't discuss the things I dream about because it would be exhaustive. Every guy I see plays a starring role in my unbridled and subconscious nightly cinematic features, except my husband.
He's the ticket-taker.
Getting divorced terrifies and excites me. I've been a stay at home mom for over a decade. I began looking for jobs back in January - not so I could leave my husband, but for health insurance. No luck. I'm only qualified to type, organize shit, and fire people. And I'm notoriously late. Not by much... five, ten minutes tops. I am good though, but that's a hard sell when you've been volunteering for the PTA for ten years. Starting my own business makes much more sense than trying to conform to rules that have never appealed to me.
Maybe I should invent an alarm clock that gets even louder and more annoying when you press the snooze button. If you get out of bed on the first warning, you can shower to Moonshadow... but if you press snooze, you get Rush Limbaugh.... press it again and it's Glenn Beck... press it again and it's Jerry Springer - which is just a series of bleeps, much like how an alarm clock is supposed to sound in the first place.
I have much to think about. Thanks for listening.
Peace,
That Girl
4 comments:
Wow! Well I know you'll do what's best for you... contrary to popular belief, studies have shown kids can actually be better off with divorced parents, rather than with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids but are constantly fighting or tense.
Let us know what sort of business ventures you embark on... I bet you'll do something crafty! Weren't you interested in home staging a while back?
Yes, but if I'm going to have to support the family myself, I won't have the flexibility to start a new venture that could take couple years to produce real income.
Glad to see your back! I was surprised to see a comment from you on my blog. Poor thing is dying but I can't bring myself to just kill it once and for all.
You sure have a lot to think about. For what it's worth, I'd rather be alone and happy than with someone and feel lonely.
I wish you the best.
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