He came over about nine, said hello to the kids and then came upstairs to say hello to me. I felt like there was a stranger in MY bedroom. He said he wanted to visit the kids but didn't want me to feel ignored... it's was after 9pm when he arrived - by all means go talk to the kids! I said it dryly, without the exclamation point.
I went downstairs a few minutes later for a snack, and he was eating and making a mess. A half hour later he was sprawled on the couch and watching a movie. A hour after that he'd pulled the papasan chair mattress onto the floor and was laying on that.
At midnight, I was fed up, and went down to tell my son (who's 9) to brush his teeth and go to bed. "Sorry, it was my fault," offers hubby. I didn't respond. I don't mean to be cold... but I have nothing nice to say.
He came up with my son, ushered him toward his toothbrush.. and then came back into my room. He asked if he could sit down, and I asked him what his intentions were. "What do you mean?"
Well, here's what I fucking mean. I felt duped. A visit was not supposed to be an overnight stay. I don't want to see him in the morning. I don't want him here in the morning. I don't want to screw with the kids' heads and send mixed messages, and right now, the future ain't looking so bright.
He sat down to watch TV, which suddenly became less pleasurable for me. He fell asleep sitting up. Then he awoke and went downstairs... he did not turn off lights and check to make sure the doors were locked. My kids are more tuned in than he is.
Here's the thing... and feel FREE to tell me if I'm being too demanding.
When we split it was because he's a man of inaction - that was my main source of contention. I may do things that piss him of, too... but I'd never know it because he hasn't initiated a meaningful conversation since we've met. He even blew his proposal by handing me the closed box the day after my abortion (OUR abortion) saying, "you look sad today, maybe this will help."
When I asked him to move out and I told the ball was in his court. I was sick of feeling like this marriage is MY job. I've been solely responsible for it for 12 years... that's a lot of sit-down convos and bitten tongues. I made it clear that if he wanted to make it work, then he was going to have to figure it out without training wheels. He needed to put his distractions on a shelf and prove that he wants to make this work. Whatever it takes! I'll go to counseling, but I'm NOT making the fucking call. He has the non-negotiable schedule, he can make the call.
Furthermore, I told him that TIME, in and of itself, will not heal this. He can't just go away and then come back like nothing has changed... but that's exactly how he behaved tonight.
The biggest thing though... is that I just didn't feel it for him at all tonight. No part of my heart felt the pang of having missed his presence. I didn't find him attractive, helpful, or interesting. I was annoyed that he still seems so self-absorbed and clueless... and a little resentful that he felt free to leave my eggs out on the counter after whipping up a sandwich for himself.
He paid for the eggs. Every ounce of food in this house is his, actually. And I'm sure he just feels awkward and doesn't know what to say to me. I'm sure my demeanor is less than welcoming. But FUCK, man... I can't fake it. I don't mean to be a brick wall, but I can feign excitement, like "whoo-hoo - I'm so glad you're here!" That's why I stayed in my room... so he could hang with this kids and not have to see the indifference on my face. I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I think though, after tonight, that I need to tell him to cancel our anniversary reservations for next weekend. I'd rather spend the weekend raking leaves.
I'm scared to close this door, and I don't want to hurt his feelings... but I don't want to give false hope either. But I'm highly skeptical that I'm going to feel differently a week from now.
Ugh. Nothing about this is going to be easy. The kids haven't missed him yet, but they will if we call it quits for good.
Anyone? Bueller?
2 comments:
So annoying about the eggs, lights, not locking the doors! You'd think since there's trouble between you two he'd be on his best behavior. And sitting down to watch TV in your room when clearly you weren't feeling it? Seems like he still feels entitled to your shared life at the house. Don't think the reality of it has hit home to him.
Canceling your plans with him could drive that reality home to him. Or you could use the plans to talk to him about all this stuff... about how he hasn't demonstrated any of the changes you're looking for yet. But it seems like you already have talked to him about this stuff, and you would know better than I whether talking or action (canceling the plans) would have more impact on him.
I've been following you for a while now, and I'd like to think we're friends- as much as we can be friends on the internet without actually having met each other. Just want you to know I support you and I think you're doing the best thing for yourself, your kids, and your relationship. And my couch here in NYC is still open for you if you ever care to visit! I know that would be weird, but I mean it! :)
Either road you take will be difficult. Working it out may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do...I can't believe I just told you that...um you were on fire once...
What ever you decide will be best for you and your family, you are strong and you will figure it out in your own way. I am so glad you are writing on here again...just wish it were under better circumstances.
I have missed your updates!!!
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