High Dive

I was busy from about 3:00 on. I slept until then... so worn out from being up all night with a case of the "thinkies." Most of the shit I did won't be of interest... but I did do one thing.

I answered an ad in the newspaper with a local real estate agency and I have a meeting with a woman tomorrow at 2:30. So tonight, I will have to find a way to sleep, even if it means laying here and masturbating until I wear myself out. Gotta get my daughter out of the bed first, 'cause that's just creepy! I gotta sleep, because I have to go buy (yuck) pantyhose tomorrow.

Tonight I did hit the thrift store and found several petite suits that fit me okay. Fuck, it's been so long since I dressed this way... I looked at myself in the dressing room mirror and felt fake. It was like playing dress-up for halloween. If I decide to pursue real estate in earnest, I'll need to have these suits professionally altered because even petite sizes look long on me.

I also found a dress to wear this weekend... the hubby's ambush anniversary date. I don't LOVE it, but it looks nice on me so I bought in case I don't have time to find something else.

It was a good score. I bought an evening dress, 11 suits, several shirts to compliment the suits, a board game, a book, 2 shirts for the teenager, and two hard-side samsonsite suitcases... all for about 65 beans. They're nice suits, too. Quality brands and flattering cuts. Buying suits for $6.50, I won't mind spending $30 or $40 having them altered to my exact shape.

The board game was "upwards." My older kids can compete in Scrabble, but the little guy will benefit from this word game, I hope. My daughter loved one of the two shirts I bought... so if anyone wants a retro tinkerbell T in a medium, let me know. The suitcases are for ebay. I decoupage them, or paint them, and they sell for pretty good prices. The two I procured tonight are true gems.... with a garment section and secure hangers. They don't have keys, but I have a whole bucket of samsonite keys and I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I don't know why I keep buying them. I only have ONE suitcase listed right now (decoupaged in a rock-and-roll theme), but I have ten unfinished suitcases in the basement. Now I have twelve.

I'm not trying to increase sales via my blog, but here's the link just in case you're curious.... I do good work: My Expensive Suitcase

It's not really expensive.... these things take a week to create. That's why I'm considering painting them instead.

Anyway, I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow's meeting. Her first question on the phone was a weed-out one, "Do you have $1,000 - $1,500 to pay for your licensing classes?"

Well, yeah... if they accept Visa. If I had to put up cash, I might question myself right out of an opportunity. Because, when it comes down to it, I'm HAUNTED by the fact that I haven't produced significant income in a long time. Haven't seen a pay stub in a decade.

I try to remind myself, stuart smalley style, that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me... but I'm still intimidated. There are two things working for me though... I love selling... and I love houses. Similarly to seeing the good in all people, I see the good in all properties. I can help people sell their house for top dollar, and I can help people find the house of their dreams.

HAHA... more affirmations. Guys, if I'm going to go for this, I must be committed! I can't waste a thousand bucks on a whim. If I had money to burn, I'd have prettier nails, a better haircut, a maid, and a fucking therapist. I don't think I need a therapist though... there's no flaw within me that I can't fix.

I'm going to have to fuck with my comfort zone, though. I may have to drag out some 12-yr-old diaries to remind myself that I have a successful spirit. The stay-at-home gig was good for the kids, but it was never good for me. I went from "driven" to lazy in a very short period of time.

It's not fair to call myself lazy... no one else has called me lazy... but mentally I've always compared what I'm doing with what I COULD be doing. I haven't always done my best. In the back of my head I've become resentful about being a maid, a cook, a wet-nurse, a laundress.

That brings me to the ONLY resistance I feel toward employment. IF I pursue this (and I want to), who's going to take care of the house and the children. Will it still be a job that falls on my lonely shoulders? If that's the case, this family will have to run like a well-oiled machine whether I'm present or not.

I'm gonna sink my teeth into this. I don't know what kind of interview this is, but I know it complies with my natural drive. I need a "sponsor" to apply for a real estate license... and I've no doubt that I'll get top marks across the board. This isn't 4th period history... this is important to my real life! I love selling and I love houses... I just need education on the legalities, and a mentor who will nudge me toward commission.

Nervous. But I've made up my mind. With or without hubby, it's time for me to work. I might as well do something I'll be good at and enjoy.

I can't believe I'm going to wear panty hose tomorrow and use an iron. What a mind fuck! I'm wearing bib-overalls right now and I like it that way. I'll make the fashion change if it makes me feel like I'm helping people and and earning an honest living.

When I was bidding on a used car, I chose a '68 Beetle over a kick-ass 80's mercedes. I won the Beetle, and I love it! But from a real estate standpoint, a mercedes would have projected the appropriate image.

Real estate may be a problem because I reject the idea of image (except when it comes to house-staging). Can I pull it off in an old Mercedes and thrift-store Dior suits? Time will tell.

Despite the question marks of "getting a job" and "my marriage," I'm really happy. The kids have been great. The teenager deserves a lot of credit because when I'm busy making dinner, she'll review her brothers' homework and make sure they've done it right. She never used to show such interest. It's proof that we're capable of being on a really tenacious team.

Now, how do I extend that initiative to include my husband? We all deserve to be our best... and and so far it seems that we're at our best when he's not here to throw a negative note into the symphony.

I'll be posting. Sincere thanks to anyone who's reading.

Love, Rachael